i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize