You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
