Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Randomize
