This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
In America we eat man semen.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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