some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
