i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
