My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
