Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
