I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Every concussion has its silver lining
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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