Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
