ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
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