I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize