OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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