It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
