i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
