you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
