So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
