Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize