I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I am midnight drunk by noon
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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