I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
