tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
whose parrot is this?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
