A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
