i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
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