you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
