someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
