i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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