I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
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