If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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