I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I think your dad took our porno
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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