Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
