Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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