I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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