I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
