You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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