her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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