And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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