I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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