i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
