No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
