Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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