Umm I'm too high to move.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
