Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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