Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
