He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
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