i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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