I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
