Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
You smell like stripper and shame
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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