Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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