There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
