I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
