I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
