Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
