Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
