Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
