HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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